Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
