i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
