in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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