Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
