I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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