So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
