People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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