We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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