Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
