I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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