I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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