I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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