Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
