i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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