I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
