there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
