I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
