You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My balls are so social today.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
