I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
