apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
