I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
