omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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