Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
