hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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