It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
