Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
