I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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