That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
