george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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