i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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