There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
