I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Still dying that you shit outside
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
