I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
