My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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