if i can run in heels then i can drive
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
