At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
