Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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