you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
