I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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