im six kinds of drunk right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
