someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
