I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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