We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
