When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
