Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
