Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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