I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
