they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
