He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
