I think my vagina is haunted
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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