So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I cut my penus on the lid.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
