My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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